How You Can Support a Loved One with Cancer

Understanding Their Diagnosis: Educate Yourself

A diagnosis is the technical term for the type of cancer your friend or family member is facing, however, it’s important to learn as much as you can about what that diagnosis means for that person’s life, and yours. Start with a deep dive into the type of cancer they have and its prognosis, trying to focus on aspects of your research that are specific to the diagnosis (avoid going down unhelpful, unreliable internet rabbit holes). Rely on legitimate websites and reference materials, trying to avoid any source that has not been validated or verified. These early learnings are sure to lead you to treatment options and potential side effects of those treatments. 

Some important questions to ask when educating yourself about a type of cancer can include:

1. What kind and where is it?
2. Has the cancer spread to other parts of the body?
3. What is the prognosis?
4. What are the treatment options?
5. What are the side effects of treatment?
6. What will the treatment target?
7. Is it reasonable to expect to become cancer-free?
8. Is this type of cancer genetic, and if so, should others in the family consider getting genetic testing for the gene?

Be an Active Listener

Receiving a cancer diagnosis is life-changing and, most likely, incredibly overwhelming, especially in the early days. It’s important for you, as the support person, to offer a gentle ear as frequently as you can. Be sincere and patient, letting the person express their feelings without interruption. Avoid giving unsolicited advice keeping in mind it’s impossible to know exactly how someone else is feeling.

Offer Practical Help

Given the physical and emotional toll of a cancer diagnosis and the subsequent demands of treatment, offering to help with daily tasks and remedial must-dos can offer great benefit. Things to consider helping with if you can include:

• Grocery runs
• Housework
• Childcare
• Getting the mail
• Walking, feeding or otherwise caring for a pet
• Gardening
• Auto maintenance

Additionally, it can be helpful to offer to drive to medical appointments, especially if treatment results in an inability to operate a vehicle. While this kind of daily task support can be very helpful, it’s important to remain mindful not to overstep or intrude on personal privacy.

Respect Their Wishes and Boundaries

As noted, it’s important to remain sensitive to your friend’s or family member’s emotional and physical limits, and understand when they need space or time alone. Sometimes this requires personal intuition, especially if the person is someone who’s normally hesitant to voice their wants or needs. Consider setting up times and tasks that work within their daily routine and treatment schedule.

Be Mindful of Your Words

This can be a tough one, especially if this is your first experience supporting someone close to you who has cancer. But there are a few guidelines that can help ensure your support is received as genuine and helpful. 

• Avoid using clichés 
• Don’t minimize their experience
• Encourage positive, but realistic, conversations
• Follow their lead
• Talk about everyday things
• Ask them how they’re feeling right now, not in general
• Don’t preach or lecture
• Respect their independence

Attend Medical Appointments if Invited

Supporting a loved one during medical appointments can be a tremendous pillar of support. A cancer diagnosis and the many, many follow-up oncology appointments and treatments can quickly become overwhelming and scary. If you do attend medical appointments, it can be helpful to:

• Take notes on the patient’s behalf 
• Work with your loved one to prepare a list of questions prior to the appointment
• Offer emotional support during difficult discussions
• Inquire about clinical trials and the value of second opinions
• Discuss cancer treatment centers and specialty clinics with the medical team

Support Their Emotional Wellbeing

Cancer can be a roller coaster. Some days are better than others. Treatment can take a mental and physical toll that might feel daunting. Prioritizing your loved one’s emotional wellbeing—even on the hardest days—is essential to mental health. Encourage professional counseling and support groups, and be there for both good days and bad. Get them outside for fresh air and new perspectives if possible. Talk with the medical team about caregiver resources that might help you bolster your friend or family member with cancer in helpful, positive ways.

Help Them Stay Socially Connected

Getting out and about, connecting with friends and family, can be the last thing someone with cancer wants to do, but it does remain an important part of mental and emotional health. Here are a few ways you can help your loved one stay socially connected through cancer:

• Encourage low-pressure social activities if they’re feeling up to it.
• Facilitate virtual meetups with friends and family.
• Research local or virtual support groups that might be beneficial. 
• Join them for mild exercise if it’s medically approved, such as going for a walk.

Offer Long-term Support

Breakthroughs in cancer treatment happen every day and prognoses are becoming more and more positive. Hope exists and there can be a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s still important to remember that getting there can take time. Cancer recovery can be a long process, even after the treatment ends. Someone who is in remission from cancer still has to live with the notion that it might someday come back, or the traumas associated with treatment, including hair, weight, and memory loss, pain, fatigue, and muscle loss. 

Making sure your loved one knows you are there for them now, and will continue to be throughout their cancer journey, is important. Continue to offer help and companionship, even after the treatment ends.

Take Care of Yourself

Being a full- or part-time caregiver for a cancer patient can require a tremendous amount, physically and emotionally. It’s essential to take care of yourself during the journey. Make time for yourself and your needs to avoid burnout. Seek support for yourself through friends, therapy or caregiver support groups. Doing so will help ensure you’re showing up as the best version of yourself when your loved one needs you most. 

Conclusion

It might take a little while to get your footing as the caregiver or support system for a loved one who is battling cancer. But once you do, you are sure to provide an invaluable service—one that embodies love, companionship, emotional support and day-to-day encouragement and help.